Drama Original script

(Introductory shots of keith walking towards the pub on the street and the establishing shot of the pub from outside, enters.)

(walks past camera shot upon entering, the cuts back in and pretends he didn’t see them.)

Oh, hi, didn’t see you there, I’m keith and this is my local (acts cocky) come here all the time don’t I steve? (looks towards barman, no reaction… says nervously) he’s abit shy.

(bluntly) No I’m not

They’re, um, they’re following me for this life stories sitcom I’m making, gonna send it off to BBSee, it’s like this interactive thing they-they’ve put up right, for emerging talent an stuff.

(Awkward silence)

He’s shy

I’m not.

Ummm, so can I have my usual mate?..... (nothing)… um, a-a pint please steve, (turns to production team) does anybody want anything? Crisps? Any…

…Salted nuts

(keith turns back to hostile barman to place order as scene ends)

(sat at a table facing the camera, pint in shot, interview style)

Might as well give you what you came for eh?... abit of the keitho magic, I’ve got a story, you’ll love this one, so I came into the pub, just like any other day (camera pans to the doorway where sequence begins) ordered my usual…

“usual steve, oh and some cheesy nacho’s as well please mate” (fictional barman is much friendlier and pally with keith)

… and went to sit down in my regular spot to read my paper, and there’s other geezer there right? In my pog, reading some celebrity lifestyle magazine. So I sits down across from him and steve comes over with my pint. “nachos’ll be 2 minutes mate” 2 minutes he says, perfect opportunity for me to pick up some looty from the fruity… eh! Eh! (laughs to himself) and what do you know, within no time… (animated on fruit machines) Bingo, Jackpot, I drop the lot (collects around £5 small change from machine) …”magic fingers.”

I head back to the table, and there’s this geezer, the one from before, knuckle deep in my nachos. I thinks to myself right. I’m not having this, I walks over and grabs a hand full… my nachos.

We have this little exchange, he goes “you alright mate” I reply “Yeah, are you alright mate?!” So I start putting my winnings in my wallet, and I see him do it again, taking my nachos, I’m like, is he taking the piss or something? So I nudge the plate. He looks at me, peering his beady eyes over *magazine picture reference* and I look back at him, take another chip out and chomp away.

(close up of eyes staring and mouth crunching)

Then um… right… hang on, can we just pause for a second?.... I’ll just be back in a minute…

(walks off, production team whisper umongst themselves)

What a dickhead.

I know what you mean.

These nuts aren’t even salted

*ten minutes later* < appears on screen

(walks back to interview space, sipping up flies)

Was a number 2 sorry guys, right… where was I… yeah, so I takes another nacho and bring the plate entirely to my side of the table, he places down his magazine and does the same, laughing at me, mugging me off basically. By this point yeah, I feel like just getting up and going (cut back to keith interview position again.) GET OFF MY NACHOS YOU *beep*

OI! PIPE DOWN YA BEARDY BELLEND

S-Sorry Steve (quietens and looks scared) we need to be abit quieter for steve.

(whispers)

So I down my pint, get up and decide to take this a step further.

(walks around table and sits next to the other man)

I give him this look, real slow and serious like. And slowly pick up another, one with an extra amount of cheese on it. Relish every second of proving to this guy, that he can’t just take my food. So what does he do… mimicks me!

(Man picks up another cheesy nacho, slowly eats and stares at keith and nods smugly)

Then it was game on!

(dramatic combat style music kicks in and the two characters begin to have a ‘eat off’)

(the action gets faster as the two characters try to eat their nachos the quickest, shots including shoving excess nachos in at once etc are used to create a fight scene montage type of effect. It starts to slow down as both characters begin to struggle with the food.)

Makes me feel full just thinking about it. Anyways, we got to the point where there was only one left.

(both characters look between each other and the last nacho)